By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
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Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
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I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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