Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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