If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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