Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
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I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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