I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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