I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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