I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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