Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
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Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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