I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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