I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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