This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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