My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize