the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
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You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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