It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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