i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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