how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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