I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
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i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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