ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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