Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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