So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
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woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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