It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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