batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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