Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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