I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
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Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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