I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
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You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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