Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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