I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
