Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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