I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
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I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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