I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
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come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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