captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
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There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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