Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize