no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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