this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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