saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
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Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
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We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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