Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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