Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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