sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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