I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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