so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
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I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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