Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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