My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
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If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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