today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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