if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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