Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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