she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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