K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I've blown a few things in my day
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
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I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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