The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
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we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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