Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
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Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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