I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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